Let me start by categorically stating that, as far things go that makes sense to my head-logic, the thigh-gap sensation ranks somewhere between The Happening and Nicki Minaj. At no point in history have I looked at any female and thought to myself 'Man, that is a sweet space between her body parts. Just look at that background between her limbs. I could stare at that empty space all day.’ Actually, I’d kind of assumed the only people who needed a gap between their thighs were people who stored their testicles there.
But, hey, what do I know? I’m just a science guy. What could ‘science’ possibly tell us about the way humans and the world work? Nothing! If drawing attention away from yourself to whatever is directly behind you is the new sexy, then who am I to argue? It would certainly work wonders for New Miley.
So rather than fight the onward march of stupidity, I’ve jumped on board and developed several strategies for getting the void below your crotch you’d always dreamed of. Starting with the novice methods and leading up to more advance techniques, here are some of the best ways to increase the space between your quadriceps:
1. Leg Spread.
Difficulty rating: 1%
The leg spread is perhaps the easiest and most effective way of increasing your thigh gap. Just follow this 1-step plan to instantaneously improve your thigh gap:
Step 1: Increase the angle between your lower limbs.
Boom! Insta-thigh-gap. To further improve your thigh gap, simply repeat step 1.
2. Toilet paper roll.
Toilet-paper rolls are another great way to maintain a thigh gap. To increase effectiveness, simply insert more toilet paper rolls between the offending thighs.
For a more pronounced gap, try 6 inch-diameter piping.
Any regular sporting tape or duct tape will do. Start from the inner thigh and pull tight around to the base of the buttocks, moving that thigh mass out of sight.
If this technique proves inefficient, try just wrapping your thighs up as tight as possible like a thigh-corset. If your legs start to tingle and go numb, don’t worry, that’s just the blood stopping its circulation through your lower body. Less blood = less thigh = more gap.
Alternately, wrap two belts around your thighs and attach them to your wristwatch(es?). Move your arms sideways and BAM - thigh gap! At least I’m pretty sure that’s what this guy is up to?
You’ll lose the use of your arms, but it’s a worthwhile trade for thigh-gap-on-demand.
4. Straight Up Anorexia.
It’s a horrible disease, but you can’t argue with the results.
5. Genu Varum.
This technique is so advanced it can’t be performed on humans above the age of 12 months. But if you really understand the beauty of a thigh gap, it’s only natural that you’ll want to bestow such a gift on your baby daughter.
What you’re going to need to do is starve your newborn of Vitamin D and calcium. This will ensure her bones don’t develop properly, leading to the sexiest of leg deformities: rickets. If you do it right, your lucky daughter will grow up to be the bow-legged Belle of the Ball. She’ll probably develop early on-set arthritis, but I think we can all agree it’s a small price to pay.
There you have it; five effective ways to increase your thigh gaps. Because this is actually a thing that people care about now.