I am a Meatarian.

What is a Meatarian, you ask? What are you, a moron? What does it sound like? I eat meat. And only meat. No veggies, no fruit, no nuts. Just meat and eggs. And milk and gravy. And more meat. Why? Well, for one, meat tastes freaking amazing. But more importantly it’s the only morally just and environmentally friendly way to live my life. 

Now, you may have heard of a group of jerks out there known as ‘Vegetarians.’ Or maybe even a group of super-jerks called ‘Vegans’, which are like if vegetarians could go Super-Saiyan but instead of getting more power they just smelled worse and thought even higher of themselves. These horrible and inhumane people believe, and furthermore try to coerce the rest of humanity in to believing, that it’s only okay to eat fruit and vegetables.

And I’m here to tell you that they’re wrong.

Okay, here’s an exercise: think of one word you would use to describe a vegetable. If you said ‘edible’ then you need to get the hell off my blog right now. If you have a heart, however, the first word that comes to mind should be ‘defenseless’. That’s right. Vegetables have virtually no means of protecting themselves against predators. What kind of person picks on someone that can’t even fight back? An asshole, that’s who. And don’t try to give me crap about how vegetables have little cognitive ability. By that logic I could go and eat your newborn babies. Which brings me to my point: eating vegetables is as reprehensible as eating newborn babies.

Killing and eating newborn babies isn’t enough for Veg(etari)ans, though. Did you know that some baby-vores even go so far as to farm and grow innocent vegetables to maturity for the sole purpose of murdering them and eating their corpses? No, I’m serious. They do it all the time. You know who else farmed living things and kept them in disgustingly cramped living spaces only to rip them from their loved ones and mass-murder them? Ring any bells? I’ll give you a hint: his name started with ‘Adolf Hitle’.

Since when does having cell-walls and chlorophyll make you less worthy of life? What kind of trivial distinction is that? What’s next? Skin colour? You know who else killed because of skin colour? Well… there’s nowhere to go after Hitler, really. But Hitler again. HITLER!

I don’t know about you, but I just can’t justify living off of innocent and defenseless lifeforms. Frankly I don’t know how anyone does. So what’s the solution? Meat is. I eat meat!

You might think I’d be missing a major part of my diet, but you’d be wrong. Animals eat vegetables. Yeah, they’re almost as bad as veg(etari)ans. So not only does eating them mean they pass on all the vitamins and minerals from the plants that they mercilessly slaughtered, but it also means I’m doing my part to save the vegetables. I’m taking out their predators one animal at a time. I’m just like Dexter, but better!

Now I’m imploring you to do the same. Eat meat, and only meat! It might be a hard lifestyle to maintain at first; your toilet trips will certainly be more frequent and eventful, and veg(etari)ans will also crap their pants in horror when you tell them your new diet. But in the end, you can’t put a price on doing the right thing.

Save the planet; eat an animal!!

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***If you’re offended by me comparing the inhumane genocide of millions of people to the farming of vegetables, good. That should be your reaction. I’m not disrespecting the Jews, I’m mocking PETA, the assholes who seriously compared the meat industry to the freaking Holocaust.